Trauma

16
Feb
2022

The People-Pleaser: A Trauma Survivor Mechanism


Some of us may be apt to help as much as possible. Some of us may know others who are consistently going out of their way to help others. In certain instances, this is a response to childhood trauma. When a person has grown up in an environment where their mental or physical well-being is threatened, people-pleasing may have been used as a survival skill in response to this threat. In childhood, this may have looked like not expressing yourself, your needs, or “talking back” to an authority figure to avoid conflict. This would be considered people-pleasing since the child is putting the needs of others ahead of their own.

As we become adults this trait can easily morph into people-pleasing in our interpersonal and occupational relationships. This can look like trouble saying “no” to tasks we truly do not want to take on. In the work environment, your boss may consistently go to you with overwhelming projects, and in relationships, you may feel pressure to help the other person as much as possible, even at the cost of your own wellness. Subconsciously this is done to avoid potentially experiencing a negative reaction from the other person. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable or anxious when saying “yes” to someone, this may indicate a trauma-related response pattern. You may notice your body becoming tense, and experience resentment and psychological distress. Becoming self-aware and implementing boundaries is a step into un-programming this cycle. Consulting with a therapist is a great way to channel into the root of our trauma-related responses, and learning how to set healthy boundaries.

 

https://youtu.be/itZMM5gCboo

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella
16
Feb
2022

You Are Not Broken


 

 

A black and white image of the word justice.

This âš›ï¸Â¸ this message if your reading is meant for you right now. Seriously meant for you. I wrote this many years back and so often share with my clients and every single time it’s a profound reaction, crying, smiling or both and many other powerful feelings. It’s shown to be a powerful message that so many need to hear over and over. My feeling is that so many need this message right now. This is my gift to you my friend, I see you, hold space for you, you are not broken, I believe in you my friend and always will.

 

 

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella
16
Feb
2022

Living with feelings of uncertainty during changing times


The year 2020 has shed light to so many issues, good and bad. If you’re anything like me, this year has been filled will feelings of fear, anxiety, unrest, and most of all uncertainty. Between a global pandemic turning our world upside down in only a few months, social unrest due to the blatant injustices of Black, indigenous, and people of color, and the large divide amongst Americans as the election becomes closer and closer, we’re left to navigate the uncertainties that our nation, communities, and families face today and for our future.

It almost feels inevitable that we have experienced and will continue to experience stress this year. We’ve been living in fear of getting sick or having a loved one get sick. Some of us have lost our jobs, homes, savings accounts, and worst of all losing a loved one to COVID19. BIPOC communities face a continued fear of merely existing, as police brutality and systemic oppression literally kill them through violence or through the disproportionate disparities in health care, which are known factors contributing to the higher morbidity and mortality among people of color, as compared to white Americans. Most of us fear what the next president elect will mean for our basic human rights, the rights of our families, and our future children and generation to come. This is an extraordinarily amount of stress to contend with while still having to move along each day to be able to survive and provide for ourselves and our families.

Exorbitant amounts of chronic stress are known to have serious implications on the mind and body. Some of these effects include irritability, anxiety, depression, headaches, insomnia, high blood pressure, gastrointestinal issues, lowered immune system functioning, and other physical issues. Chronic stress is also known to lead to an increase in the likelihood of the development of a mental illness, problems concentrating and decision making, memory and poor judgment.

These uncertain times are bound to leave us feeling anxious and stressed. If you recall earlier in the blog, I stated that 2020 has brought bad and good, and you’re probably wondering…where is the good? Well believe it or not, good can and will come from this! Let’s first talk acknowledge that the anxious/fearful mind overestimates the risk, threat or danger and underestimates the ability to use coping resources. I can’t confidently say that the current state of our world is without real threat or dangers (because it is with real threat and dangers), but I can provide coping resources to help you navigate this time of uncertainty.

As humans, we crave security, consistency, and predictability. When we are paralyzed with uncertainty, our minds love to conjure up worst case scenarios and countless predictions so we feel prepared if the worst was to come. If you feel overwhelmed by uncertainty and worry, it’s important to know that you’re not alone; many of us are going through the same thing in real time. It’s also important to understand that no matter how helpless you feel, there are steps you can take better manage these circumstances, alleviate your anxiety, and face the unknown with resilience.

1. Act on what you can control.

a. Most of our life is and feels uncertain and uncontrollable, however re-focusing your efforts on things within your control will help you problem-solve. Sometimes, the only thing we can control is our attitude and response to uncontrollable situations, and even that is worth looking into if you find yourself struggling to find things you can control.

2. Openly feel, acknowledge, and experience your emotions

a. Suppressing/avoiding/distracting your emotions is a short-term solution to problems that will manifest themselves in other ways if not managed today. Find a safe space, a friend, a therapist, anyone who can provide you with an environment to process your feelings safely. Allowing yourself to become comfortable with the idea of uncertainty will indirectly reduce your feelings of stress and anxiety.

3. Challenge your automatic thought processes that tell you life needs to be certain in order for it to be manageable.

a. How much can any of us be absolute certain about life? Unfortunately, nothing in life is guaranteed, perfectly calculated, or predictable. When you find yourself having the feeling or thought that you “need to know” something, ask yourself how possible it is to really know? Try and re-focus on more realistic thought processes. Something you can tell yourself when you have a thought like that is “No matter how much I try to plan out every situation and outcome, life can surprise me. All reaching for certainty really does is feed my worry and anxiety.”

4. Identify the specific situations of uncertainty that give you the most distress, and practice acceptance.

a. Start recognizing your thought patterns, emotions, or bodily sensations you experience when the sense of uncertainty creeps in. Notice what particular situations bring about those thoughts/feelings/sensations. Name what you’re experiencing i.e. “This is anxiety over uncertainty” and try to observe the experience nonjudgmentally. Research shows mindfulness and acceptance practices reduce unpleasant experiences, as the more you allow them, the more you realize the feelings will pass. This will provide you comfort when another situation involving uncertainty arises.

5. Practice Mindfulness

a. Mindfulness stresses the importance of being present in the here and how. With all this fear of uncertainty, most of us are glued to our devices, reading countless news articles, stories, debates, etc.”… We are losing time being present in the moment.”. There are many techniques online to practice mindfulness. You can also practice mindfulness techniques with a therapist if you find you are unable to do it on your own. One quick tip is to stay away from technology. Take 20-30-60-minute breaks from any technology and focus on anything in the here and now, even if its your pet, children, your family, or doing a chore like washing the dishes. You can use any of your 5 senses to help you engage in something in the present. For example, lighting a candle and focusing on the scent, or washing the dishes and focusing on the soapy bubbles on your hands. Don’t worry if you find that your focus keeps wandering back to your future fears and worries. It’s a skill, and like any other skill, it takes practice to master.

6. Managing Stress/Anxiety

a. There are many practical tips I can give to manage everyday stressors and anxiety that pile on in addition to the uncertainties of this year. For starters, movement is a huge tool in alleviating anxiety, do any sort of movement, running, dancing, yoga. Expelling that energy will relieve you of anxiety and release feel good endorphins. Give yourself time to relax. Take time for YOU. Try and get a regular sleep schedule with quality sleep, and lastly, try and up your nutrition game. All of these baseline changes will dramatically improve your ability to tackle the stress and anxieties of today.

The last “good” that I can say that has come out of this year, is the extent that therapy has become accessible to all. As a therapist, this warms my heart. I’ve never seen so many people open to the therapeutic process, willing to work on themselves to become better humans. You don’t have to go through this alone! Many of us find comfort sitting with uncertainty in a safe environment with someone we trust. You can remain in the comfort of your own home and talk through some of the emotions and experiences you are going through.

Here at New Day Vitality we care about your health and well-being. We’re currently offering online therapy through a HIPAA compliant video sources throughout the state of New York for stay at home services.

You don’t have to sit with uncertainty alone. Take-action on what you can control out of this situation. And what you can control, is learning how to respond to uncertainty with confidence that you will survive this and surpass this! Please reach out to us if you are finding that this time of uncertainty is difficult for you. We would love to support you on your journey through uncertainty and into resilience!

We are your anxiety experts of Westchester NY. Servicing the surround areas, Larchmont, Mamaroneck, New Rochelle, Scarsdale, Eastchester, Rye Brook, Rye, etc. and all of New York State for over ten years.

 

 

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella
16
Feb
2022

Coronavirus and Ways to Lower Stress, Fear, and Anxiety Surrounding It


 

The world has never seemed to be a smaller place. In these days of uncertainty when the ongoing coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic affects an increasing number of people worldwide, each of us is at risk. People are confused, concerned, and terrified.

No one is protected against COVID-19. From celebrities, athletes, politicians, to those close to our home and our hearts, our families, neighbors, friends and colleagues, no one is immune to coronavirus regardless of their age, race, gender, or socioeconomic status. Schools and borders are getting closed, flights canceled, people isolated.

The outbreak of coronavirus (COVID-19) has affected almost all parts of the world and our society. The most affected countries and cities have undergone severe lifestyle changes with the people’s basic civil rights put on hold while the outbreak lasts.

The worst thing about this whole situation seems to be uncertainty that surrounds coronavirus pandemic. However, in situations of crisis like this one, it is natural to feel concerned, stressed, and afraid. It is normal to experience anxiety. In fact, whatever you are feeling right now, it’s a normal response to a crisis.

The Role of Anxiety

In situations of emergency and crisis, anxiety occurs as a natural response to stress and threat. When we feel exposed, the amygdala in our brain activates “flight or fight” response. The main purpose of this cognitive-physiological-emotional response is to protect us and help us adapt. So, being a little bit more concerned is useful because it keeps you cautious. It motivates you to be responsible and to take measures to protect yourself and the people around you.

Nevertheless, excessive worry and fear can destabilize you and weaken constructive responses to stress, impair quality of life, and damage your health.

People who already struggle with some form of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) are particularly at risk of experiencing coronavirus stress and anxiety.

What Is Coronavirus and Why Is It So Scary?

Coronaviruses are not new to mankind. This is a large family of viruses that cause a variety of illnesses (from ordinary cold to Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome). However, coronavirus disease (COVID-19) is a new type that was discovered in late 2019 and has not been identified in humans ever before.

Common Signs of COVID-19

Common signs of coronavirus infection include:

  • Fever
  • Cough
  • Shortness of breath
  • Respiratory symptoms

In more severe cases, the infection can cause:

  • Difficulty breathing
  • Pneumonia
  • Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS)
  • Kidney failure
  • Death

If you develop any of these signs, seek medical attention.

How to Prevent Infection?

To prevent infection spread, it is recommended that you regularly wash your hands with warm water and soap, use hand sanitizers, cover your mouth and nose when coughing and sneezing, limit social contacts, and particularly close contact with anyone showing signs of respiratory infections (sneezing and coughing).

How to Cope with Coronavirus Stress and Anxiety

Here are some useful strategies to help you cope with stress and anxiety triggered by the coronavirus outbreak.

1. Set the Information Boundaries

How many hours daily do you spend listening, reading, or watching the news related to the coronavirus outbreak? While it is important to keep informed, many of us are becoming overwhelmed by the news on TV, in newspapers, and on social media. Ask yourself do you really need all the information presented? Limit your media exposure and select the time of the day when you are going to put your phone away, turn off the computer and TV. Get yourself familiar with the trusted sources of information that you can turn to in your community.

We like to be in control of our lives. Planning your day-to-day life in these times of uncertainty will provide a sense of control and therefore alleviate stress and anxiety. Make arrangements at work, such as an option to work from home, keep social distance as much as possible, and have a back-up for school closings.

2.  Practice Relaxation and Mindfulness Meditation

The benefits of relaxation and meditation are myriad. There are many techniques such as deep breathing, yoga, or meditation that can help you relax. Some day-to-day habits can also make you feel calm and happy, such as reading a good book, nature walks, or talking with friends or family; these small everyday rituals may be very helpful.

Both science and practice have proven many benefits of meditation in dealing with stress and anxiety. Mindful meditation can help you ease anxiety symptoms by helping you to stay focused, become aware of your thoughts and feelings, and overcome negative thoughts. Also, mindfulness exercise can boost your self-esteem, increase optimism, and improve resilience.

Studies show that mindfulness exercise can reduce the activity in the amygdala. This is a cluster of neurons in the limbic system of the brain that plays a key role in processing emotions. In other words, the amygdala is a starting point for your anxiety reaction. Reducing the amygdala’s activity, mindfulness practice reduces your background level of stress and anxiety.

So, instead of avoiding experiencing anxiety, focus on your anxious thoughts and feelings and observe them for some time. Then, acknowledge that these are nothing more than thoughts and feelings, and simply let them go.

3. Keep Self-Care a Priority

During times of crisis and uncertainty, healthy lifestyles and self-care should become your priority.

It is no secret that well-rested individuals have a stronger immune system and are better equipped for defeating viruses. Also, research shows a Mediterranean-style diet rich in fish, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains can help ease symptoms of anxiety.

Finally, studies show that exercise can protect you against symptoms of stress and anxiety and help promote feelings of happiness and wellbeing.

4. Spend Time in Nature

In some parts of our country such as New Rochelle, New York as well as many European countries, the state of emergency is declared and citizens are strongly advised or ordered to stay indoors. People are cut off from their lives, friends, and extended families. They spend time in their backyards, terraces, and balconies. If you can, spend time outdoors. Connecting with nature helps us relax and lessens symptoms of anxiety and depression. Whether it’s taking your kids to the park or doing some gardening in your backyard, spending time in nature is a great way to be active, stay away from viruses, and reduce feelings of anxiety.

5. Seek Mental Health Counseling

Online counseling is a great option for those who cannot leave their homes due to coronavirus outbreak. Seek counseling if you feel that your coping mechanism is not strong enough to manage coronavirus anxiety on your own.

We are all in this together. Help and support are available.

https://nyprojecthope.org/?utm_medium=G1Search&utm_source=Google&utm_campaign=OMHProjectHOPERSPGrant

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella
16
Feb
2022

National Coming Out Day – A Queer Cis-Female Therapist’s thoughts


A black and white image of the word justice.

October 11 th is National Coming Out Day. Coming out is an extremely sensitive, brave, and ongoing decision one makes to be their most authentic self.

I came out approximately 10/11 years ago. I felt all the feelings one would feel; shame, fear, anger (towards self), and hopelessness. I had to come out to myself first, by acknowledging and accepting this is who I was, then to my immediate friends and family, and then to the world. I also continue to make this choice every day by being myself in the world.

Coming out is not always safe for everyone, I was lucky in my case it was. I had a support system that made an effort to listen and understand, without judgment. Funny thing is I still sometimes find this hard to do for myself.

Why is it important that I write this, identifying myself as a queer cis-female therapist? When we’re in the process of exploring our sexuality/identity, all we can think about is how much our loved ones and the world is going to reject us, judge us, be disgusted by us, and cast us out. Yes, I felt this way about therapists too. As much as we like to think we’re the least judgmental, we are ALL born with biases. When I made the choice to enter the social work field, I made a promise to myself that I would not lose who I was in the process, or ever. I’ve walked out of therapy sessions where I felt there wasn’t genuine care/concern in the therapeutic alliance. In order for you to show me who you are, you need to know a little bit of who I am. How can I ask someone to be vulnerable with me, without identifying my vulnerability, the vulnerability we all experience as humans.

I say this to say, I care about you, I welcome you, I embrace you, I do not see you as “wrong”. I do not judge you, I accept you, I AFFIRM you, and all of you.

I was born 31 years ago, but sometimes I feel like my story didn’t start until I was 22. Fast forward to today and I am currently happy in a relationship with a woman. I understand now that I am constantly given a choice to continue to live by my values or against them. I value authenticity, I value honesty, and I value connection. And the truth is, living by my values means more to me than the risk of being rejected when it comes to my life. I knew that the fear of staying the same was greater than the fear of change. I knew when I became older and had less time, I would look back and wish I gave this one shot at life all I got, as who I am. I couldn’t experience any of these values if I shut out parts of myself to myself and the world.

I am still learning how to be comfortable with myself in a world that wants to continue to send me messages that who I am is wrong, disgusting, and abnormal. I still look around in public places for safety before I kiss or hold my girlfriend’s hand. I still feel the pit in my stomach as I share a public display of affection and know my friends/family are watching. Coming out is not just a one-time thing. Its not just on National Coming Out Day. It’s a decision I make every single day and will make for the rest of my life.

This is my story, it’s time to start yours. Whatever you decide to do, please know that I see you, I am here, and I am ready to support you through your journey.

 

https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth-resources.htm

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella