Colette Lopane-Capella, LMHC, D

19
Nov
2025

Worksheet: When Perfectionism Is a Childhood Trauma Response

 

Purpose:

To help you understand how perfectionistic patterns developed, how they operate today, and how you can begin replacing them with self-compassion and safety-based behaviors.

1. Understanding Your Perfectionism

a. What does perfectionism look like for you?

(Check all that apply or write your own.)

  • ☐ I feel intense pressure to “get it right.”
  • ☐ I’m afraid of making mistakes.
  • ☐ I worry about disappointing others.
  • ☐ I overprepare or spend excessive time on tasks.
  • ☐ I feel responsible for others’ emotions.
  • ☐ I avoid tasks if I’m not sure I’ll succeed.
  • ☐ I criticize myself harshly.
  • ☐ Other: ________________________________________

b. When do you notice these behaviors the most?

(Work, relationships, parenting, appearance, social situations, etc.)

2. Connecting Perfectionism to Childhood Experiences

Perfectionism often develops when a child learns:

  • mistakes lead to punishment, shame, or withdrawal
  • approval/love must be earned
  • being “good” keeps the environment stable
  • emotional needs were minimized or ignored
  • unpredictability required hyper-vigilance

a. Which early experiences might have shaped your perfectionism?

(You may choose one or more.)

  • ☐ Criticism or high expectations
  • ☐ Emotional neglect
  • ☐ Fear of conflict or anger
  • ☐ Parentification or taking care of adults
  • ☐ Having to be the “easy” or “good” child
  • ☐ Academic pressure
  • ☐ Unpredictable or chaotic environment
  • ☐ Other: ________________________________________

b. How did being perfect help you feel safer as a child?

3. How Perfectionism Shows Up Today

a. What happens in your body when you feel the urge to be perfect?

(Examples: tension, racing heart, shallow breathing, stomach tightness)

b. What thoughts show up?

Examples: “If I mess up, everything falls apart.”

c. What do you fear will happen if you’re not perfect?

4. Reframing: What Your Perfectionism Was Trying to Protect

Perfectionism is often a protective adaptation, not a flaw.

a. What do you think your perfectionism was trying to protect you from?

b. What would you say to your younger self about needing to be perfect?

5. Practicing “Good Enough” (Safe Enough)

Choose one area of your life to practice a small shift.

Area: ___________________________________________

What is one task where you can try being “good enough” instead of perfect?

Example: Send an email without re-reading it three times.

Predicted outcome (fear-based):

Actual outcome (after trying it):

How did your body feel afterward?

6. Self-Compassion Replacement Statements

Choose or write one that you’ll practice this week:

  • “Mistakes don’t make me unsafe anymore.”
  • “I can be human and still be worthy.”
  • “Good enough is actually healthy.”
  • “I don’t need to earn love.”
  • “I’m learning a different way now.”
  • My own statement: __________________________________

7. Integration

What is one insight you’re taking away from this worksheet?

What support do you need as you practice changing these patterns?

 

 

Final Thoughts: Healing Beyond Perfectionism

If perfectionism has been your survival strategy for years, shifting out of it won’t happen overnight—and that’s okay. Patterns formed in childhood were created to keep you safe, connected, and protected in environments where you had to be hyper-aware or hyper-capable. Today, you’re operating with an entirely different level of safety and support, even if your nervous system hasn’t fully caught up yet.

As you explore the prompts in this worksheet, try to meet each realization with compassion rather than judgment. You are not “failing” by being perfectionistic—you are uncovering the story behind it. And once you understand the story, you can begin rewriting it.

Healing doesn’t come from forcing yourself to be less perfect. It comes from gently teaching your system that you’re allowed to be human now. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to be “good enough” and still be deeply worthy.

If you’d like more support as you unpack these patterns or want guidance tailored to your unique history, working with a trauma-informed therapist can make a powerful difference.

You don’t have to navigate this alone—and you don’t have to be perfect to heal.

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella, LMHC, D
19
Nov
2025

Processing Workplace Hurt: Emotional Recovery Worksheet

 

Processing Workplace Hurt: Emotional Recovery Worksheet

Why This Matters

When a colleague does something that feels dismissive, disrespectful, or undermining, it can trigger strong emotions. Processing these feelings helps you respond from a grounded place rather than react from hurt.

⸻

1. Identify What You’re Feeling

Pause and notice the emotions that come up.

Common ones include:

•Anger

•Hurt

•Disappointment

•Betrayal

•Embarrassment

•Confusion

Prompt:

What emotion is the strongest for me right now?

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2. Understand the Trigger

Reflect on why this situation hit so hard.

Ask yourself:

•What about this specific action activated a strong emotional response?

•Did this tap into an old wound (feeling dismissed, excluded, unappreciated)?

•Was it the action itself or the meaning I assigned to it?

Prompt:

What part of this situation felt most triggering to me?

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3. Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts

Your mind may jump to conclusions, such as:

•“They don’t value me.”

•“No one supports me here.”

•“I’m being pushed aside.”

Rewrite these into grounded, reality-based thoughts:

•“I don’t have all the information yet.”

•“This was upsetting, and I can approach it with clarity.”

•“I can handle this situation step by step.”

Prompt:

What is a more balanced way to view what happened?

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4. Regulate Before Responding

Before having any conversation or taking action, get your body and mind regulated.

Try:

•60 seconds of slow breathing

•A quick walk

•Long, slow exhales

•Grounding statements: “I can handle this,” “I’m safe,” “I can take my time.”

Prompt:

What helps me feel more grounded when I’m activated?

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5. Consider Your Boundaries

This may be a moment to reassess your boundaries at work.

Examples:

•Limiting personal sharing

•Keeping communication structured and clear

•Clarifying expectations and roles

•Choosing when and how much energy to invest

Prompt:

What boundary would help protect my peace and professionalism?

⸻

6. Decide If a Conversation Is Needed

Not every situation requires confrontation, but some do.

If the issue affects workflow, trust, or your responsibilities, consider a calm, respectful conversation.

Helpful starters:

•“When this happened, I felt ____, and I’d like to clarify how we can move forward.”

•“Can we talk about communication going forward? I want to make sure we’re aligned.”

Prompt:

Do I need a conversation, or is this something I can let go?

⸻

7. Support Yourself Emotionally

Healing doesn’t happen instantly; it requires self-care and validation.

Try:

•Journaling what happened and how you feel

•Talking with a therapist or trusted person

•Letting yourself feel the emotion instead of pushing it down

•Doing something grounding: stretching, walking, reading, or deep breathing

Prompt:

What do I need right now to support myself emotionally?

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Reflection Questions

•What emotions came up for me, and why?

•What part of the situation felt the hardest?

•What would help me feel more grounded?

•What is the healthiest next step for me?

•What boundary will support me moving forward?

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella, LMHC, D
19
Nov
2025

Breaking the Cycle of Self-Doubt: Reflection & Reset Worksheet

 

Breaking the Cycle of Self-Doubt: Reflection & Reset Worksheet

Self-doubt often shows up as second-guessing yourself, feeling “not enough,” or struggling to trust your own decisions. This worksheet helps you interrupt the cycle and build clarity, confidence, and emotional grounding.

1. Identify the Self-Doubt Story

Self-doubt usually has a repeated message.

Common examples:

  • “I always mess things up.”
  • “I’m not as good as others.”
  • “People will judge me.”
  • “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Prompt:

What is the recurring self-doubt story that shows up for me?

Write it here:

2. Notice When It Gets Triggered

Self-doubt doesn’t appear randomly — it has patterns.

Triggers may include:

  • Starting something new
  • Receiving criticism
  • Making decisions
  • Comparing yourself to others
  • Feeling overwhelmed

Prompt:

What situations trigger my self-doubt the most?

3. Challenge the Inner Critic

Your inner critic speaks loud, but often without facts.

Use these reframes:

  • Replace “What if I fail?” with “What if I learn?”
  • Replace “I’m not good enough.” with “I’m growing and improving.”
  • Replace “I can’t do this.” with “I can take it step by step.”

Prompt:

What’s a more grounded, realistic version of the story I tell myself?

4. Gather Your Evidence

Your self-doubt overlooks your strengths.

List moments where you:

  • Handled something difficult
  • Showed strength
  • Succeeded
  • Helped someone
  • Overcame fear

Prompt:

What evidence do I have that contradicts my self-doubt?

5. Create a Grounding Statement

This becomes your reset phrase when doubt appears.

Examples:

  • “I can handle this.”
  • “I’m capable and learning.”
  • “I’ve succeeded before — I will again.”
  • “I don’t need to be perfect to move forward.”

Prompt:

What grounding statement will I use when self-doubt shows up?

6. Take a Small Action (Confidence Comes From Doing)

The antidote to doubt is movement, not perfection.

Possible micro-steps:

  • Send the email
  • Ask the question
  • Apply for the opportunity
  • Express a boundary
  • Start the task for 5 minutes

Prompt:

What is one small action I can take today to break the cycle?

7. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-doubt softens when you treat yourself with kindness instead of criticism.

Try:

  • Speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend
  • Saying: “It’s okay to be learning.”
  • Allowing mistakes as part of growth

Prompt:

If I were supporting a friend through this, what would I say to them?

8. Reflection Questions

  • What did I learn about myself today?
  • Which part of the self-doubt cycle is the hardest for me?
  • What helps me feel grounded and confident?
  • What support do I need moving forward?
Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella, LMHC, D
17
Nov
2025

Boundaries as Your Boundaries

 

There comes a moment in every person’s life when they realize this truth:

You cannot keep abandoning yourself to keep the peace.

It shows up quietly at first. A little resentment. A subtle exhaustion. A nagging sense that you’re carrying emotional weight that isn’t yours. And then one day—it hits you. You’ve been giving away your energy, your time, your capacity, your power… and getting very little back.

Boundaries aren’t walls. They aren’t punishments. They aren’t ultimatums.

They’re a sacred act of returning to yourself.

And when you finally learn how to set them?

It feels like magic. Raw, grounded, life-changing magic.

Let’s talk about what it looks like to protect yourself with intention—and how that becomes one of the greatest superpowers you’ll ever own.

The Real Reason Boundaries Feel Hard

People don’t struggle with boundaries because they’re weak.

They struggle because they were taught that being “good” meant:

  • being agreeable
  • being easy
  • being available
  • being selfless
  • being quiet
  • being whatever someone needed you to be

Some of us were raised to believe that saying “no” is rude, that having needs is inconvenient, or that emotional discomfort is dangerous.

So when you start to build boundaries as an adult, it feels like you’re betraying someone.

But here’s the truth:

The only person you betray when you avoid boundaries is yourself.

And your body knows it.

Your body remembers every time you’ve said yes when you wanted to say no.

Your nervous system remembers the resentment.

Your spirit remembers the self-betrayal.

Boundaries are the antidote.

Protecting Yourself Is Not Selfish—It’s Self-Respect

There is nothing more powerful than deciding that your peace, your mental health, your energy, and your time matter.

Protecting yourself:

  • keeps you from burning out
  • creates healthier relationships
  • builds confidence
  • allows your body to regulate
  • makes room for joy instead of obligation

It’s not selfish to protect what’s sacred.

It’s not unkind to protect your mental health.

It’s not wrong to choose yourself.

In fact, it’s one of the most loving things you can do—for you and the people you care about.

Because when you stop saying yes at your own expense, your “yes” becomes honest again.

Your Boundaries Are a Love Letter to Yourself

Think of boundaries as a message you send to the world, but also to your own nervous system:

  • “I deserve safety.”
  • “My voice matters.”
  • “My time is valuable.”
  • “I don’t have to carry everything.”
  • “I can walk away from what hurts me.”
  • “I can choose what I allow in my life.”

This isn’t weakness.

This is identity.

This is alignment.

This is you coming back to yourself.

Boundaries are where self-respect and mental health breathe.

Tools to Turn Boundaries Into Your Superpower

1. The “Body Before Words” Method

Before responding to anything—requests, invitations, demands—pause and check in:

  • Does your chest tighten?
  • Does your stomach clench?
  • Does your jaw tense?
  • Do you feel pressure instead of choice?

Your body speaks before your brain rationalizes.

Honor the body first.

2. The 72-Hour Rule

If you feel obligated or unsure, say:

“Let me think about that and get back to you.”

This gives your nervous system time to regulate so you’re choosing authentically—not reactively.

3. The Boundary Formula

Use this simple structure:

“I’m not available for ____. I can do ___ instead.”

Examples:

  • “I can’t talk about this right now. I’m available later tonight.”
  • “I’m not able to host this year. I can help plan the menu, though.”
  • “I’m not comfortable with that conversation. Let’s shift topics.”

Short. Clear. Zero guilt.

4. Silent Boundaries Count Too

Not every boundary is spoken. Some are lived.

Examples:

  • Leaving a conversation that turns toxic
  • Spending less time with draining people
  • Not responding immediately
  • Choosing who gets access to you

You don’t owe everyone an explanation.

5. “Micro-Recovery” After Boundary Work

Setting boundaries—especially if you’re not used to it—can feel emotionally heavy.

Give yourself a short recovery ritual:

  • Put hand on heart
  • Take three deep breaths
  • Say, “I chose myself.”
  • Do something nurturing (tea, music, stepping outside, journaling)

You’re teaching your nervous system that protecting yourself is safe.

The Magic Happens When You Stay Consistent

Boundaries change your life not when you set them once, but when you uphold them consistently. And yes—you’ll disappoint people. You’ll disrupt patterns. You’ll break cycles. But you’ll also reclaim parts of yourself that you lost long ago.

That’s the magic.

Not perfection.

Not toughness.

Not saying “no” without fear.

But choosing yourself—even when your voice shakes.

That’s your superpower.

And it’s already inside you, waiting to be used.

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella, LMHC, D
17
Nov
2025

When Your In-Laws Aren’t Kind: Protecting Your Mental Health in a Messy Reality

Family is supposed to feel like a safe place—supportive, warm, welcoming. But for many people, the “family” they marry into feels nothing like that. Instead, they’re met with coldness, criticism, passive-aggressive comments, or outright hostility. And while we rarely talk about it out loud, dealing with unkind in-laws can deeply impact your mental health.

If you’ve ever left a family gathering feeling small, dismissed, anxious, or emotionally drained, you’re not alone. In fact, difficult in-law dynamics are one of the most common stressors couples face. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Let’s talk honestly about what this experience does to you—and the tools you can use to protect your well-being.

The Emotional Toll We Don’t Admit Out Loud

Many people try to brush it off: “It’s not a big deal.”

“They’re family… what can you do?”

“It’s just how they are.”

But unkind in-laws can create a lasting emotional impact:

1. Self-doubt and second-guessing your worth

When someone repeatedly criticizes you, talks down to you, or treats you like an outsider, it can chip away at your confidence—even if you’re normally grounded and self-assured.

2. Anxiety before family events

Your body learns the pattern: gatherings = tension. Even just the idea of being around them can activate stress responses.

3. Strain within your marriage or partnership

Partners often feel stuck in the middle, guilty, or defensive. If communication isn’t strong, resentment builds.

4. Feeling unsupported or unseen

It’s incredibly painful when your partner’s family refuses to make space for who you are. That pain deserves to be acknowledged.

You’re Not “Too Sensitive.” This Is Real.

One of the most damaging messages people receive is that they’re “overreacting.” But unkindness—especially in subtle forms like sarcasm, exclusion, or judgment—hits the nervous system hard.

Your body isn’t imagining it.

Your mind isn’t making it up.

You’re responding to a real emotional threat.

The good news? You can reclaim your power, protect your peace, and create boundaries that allow you to stay connected to your partner without sacrificing your mental well-being.

Mental Health Tools for Navigating Difficult In-Laws

1. Ground Yourself Before Interactions

If you know you’re walking into a triggering space, enter with intention.

Try a 30-second grounding ritual:

  • Feel your feet on the floor.
  • Take one slow breath in and out.
  • Remind yourself: “Their behavior is about them, not me.”

This simple reset places you back in your own body and out of their emotional orbit.

2. Use the “Grey Rock” Technique for Toxic Behaviors

If certain in-laws thrive on drama, judgment, or conflict, becoming emotionally neutral can protect you.

Being a “grey rock” means:

  • Staying calm
  • Responding briefly
  • Not offering emotional reactions

This doesn’t mean being cold—it means choosing not to engage in dynamics that drain you.

3. Set Boundaries Without Apologizing

A boundary is not a punishment. It’s protection.

Examples:

  • “We’ll stay for two hours, not the entire day.”
  • “I’m not comfortable being spoken to that way. I’m stepping outside for a moment.”
  • “We’re choosing what’s best for our family. Thank you for understanding.”

Notice none of these require justification or over-explanation.

4. Have Honest, Compassionate Communication with Your Partner

Your partner can’t support you if they don’t understand what’s happening. Aim for a conversation rooted in feelings—not blame.

Use this structure:

  • What happened: “When your mother said…”
  • How it affected you: “I felt dismissed.”
  • What you need: “It would help if you checked in with me during those moments.”

Healthy couples problem-solve together, not against each other.

5. Create Post-Visit Recovery Rituals

Just like athletes cool down after a workout, you deserve a mental cooldown after stressful family interactions:

  • Take a walk
  • Journal
  • Debrief with your partner
  • Listen to calming music
  • Do something nurturing for yourself

Your system needs a chance to unwind.

6. Give Yourself Permission to Limit Contact

You are under no emotional obligation to repeatedly expose yourself to hostile or disrespectful behavior. Limiting time, frequency, or depth of interactions is a valid form of self-care.

Distance is not failure.

Distance is clarity.

You’re Allowed to Protect Your Peace

You don’t have to win them over. You don’t have to tolerate disrespect in the name of “family.” You don’t have to keep sacrificing your mental health to make others comfortable.

You are allowed to take up space, speak your truth, and set boundaries that support your emotional well-being.

And if your in-laws can’t offer kindness, then offer it to yourself. That’s where real healing begins.

Posted by Colette Lopane-Capella, LMHC, D